Happy New Year!
Well, how do you all feel now that 2020 is behind us?
I know we’re all relieved. But we can’t fool ourselves, things will carry over. Although, I do think we’re better equipped to handle hard things because of it!
2020 was a big wake-up call that many of us needed to learn to appreciate what we have because it’s not always guaranteed. Or, to appreciate what we didn’t have!
Flipping through Instagram you see so many funny things. Someone asked, “What did Covid give or do for you?” There was a comment saying, “It gave me a fat ass and a zitty face! And to make it worse, it also gave me a fat face and a zitty ass!” Thought that was hysterical! But, the struggle is real!
Well, for me last year, allowed me to start this podcast while I was furloughed during the first shut down. My first episode uploaded on June 12, 2020. I’m grateful I was able to have that time to start this.
Truthfully, I wish I had more time to spend on it. I work a full-time job and have other responsibilities which can get exhausting. You know?
Last week, I started thinking about pausing the podcast for a bit. I’m in the process of designing a website for it and I really need to get new equipment and learn new things which takes up so much damn time! Ugh! I thought that might be my best option.
And, then to make things worse, I was listening to Ed Mylett’s podcast and one of his guests posed the most annoying question! Well, it’s the most annoying question to me. His guest asked the listeners, “Do you know your WHY?” I thought, “God Bless America! Here we go!”
I didn’t turn it off though. Even though I hate to hear it, I know it’s important. I think I find it so annoying because the next thing “they” normally say is, “You must know your WHY before doing anything else!” Like don’t move! Freeze! If you know your why then you’re free to go. If not, you’re a loser and get to work, dammit!
Here’s the thing, I know my WHY! Still annoys me though. This podcast is about my WHY!
You’re probably thinking, “April, why should I give a shit about your why?” Well, you shouldn’t! But I want you to know your WHY!
Ask yourself that question. Ask, “why do I do the things I do?” And then grab a pen and paper and just start writing. Don’t even think about what you’re writing … just write. Maybe start by writing the names of everyone that is important to you. It helps you understand yourself … well hopefully! If it doesn’t… ask why!
I know I’m the one being annoying now!
I bring this up because I was in bed staring at the ceiling a few nights ago contemplating pausing this podcast so I can catch my breath. And, as I was seriously considering it … my WHY popped in my head.
But then so did another thing Ed Myletts’s guest mentioned in that same episode. He said, “now write your WHY to your avatar person.”
Truthfully, I had to look up what avatar meant. LOL! I was like, “Great just another thing to do and what the hell does avatar even mean?”
In case you’re a dumb ass too … avatar is a figure representing a person. I’m just kidding.
This haunted me all day. I listen to Ed Mylett on my way to work in the morning and I was still thinking about it at night.
He said, “Who would benefit from your why”?
I thought, “Ok, this will be a great way for me to start 2021 and maybe give me my podcasting mojo back. Perfect, I’ll make up an avatar and speak to her.”
Doing this stopped me from giving up! If you’re struggling with something and about to give up… maybe this would be a great thing for you to do too!
Before describing my avatar, I think you should know more about my WHY.
I started out wanting to tell my mom’s story. Her name is Joni. She grew up dealing with some pretty crazy situations. If you’ve been listening, you know some of them. She had me at 15 years old. A year later she had my brother. She worked cleaning truck stops to feed us. She was diagnosed with bipolar when she was about 30 years old. Actually, that’s when she started acting out. I don’t think she was professionally diagnosed for several years later. She had mood swings, was opening credit cards, going on shopping sprees and hiding the bills, plus taking a shit ton of pills! She had a wackjob doctor giving her every narcotic under the sun and she was gobbling those up like candy.
My why is to tell her story, my story and how we maneuvered our relationship. My hope is hearing my stories and others that share on this podcast will help things feel less scary for you! Its scary loving someone who has an illness they can’t control.
I know there are a lot of you out there that can live a normal healthy life with an illness because you know balance. But that was not the case for her.
Full disclosure, my avatar is replica of me in my mid 20’s. I’m in my mid 40’s now but still look like I’m in my mid 20’s! LOL. Just kidding. But I sure the hell keep trying! Some say age gracefully and I say, “Fuck that!”
I decided to name my avatar Simone because it’s a pretty name. She’s 22 years-old and working two jobs while going to school full time.
Simone wants to believe that life isn’t always going to be this hard. She whispers to herself, “Get up! You have class. Just make sure to get your education because that’s one thing no one can take from you.”
Simone’s mom dropped out of high school to raise her and her brother. She fears she’ll end up like her mom who was always broke. Simone dreams of having an amazing career so she doesn’t have to worry about money and is able to give her mom anything she wants.
She thinks, “Maybe mom will get better if she doesn’t have to worry so much.” Maybe I can help fix her.”
Simone’s empathy turns into anger when she realizes nothing is going to make her mom better. Her mom has a great husband who provides for her. She has a nice home and kids who love her.
“Why is she so selfish? Why does Mom always live in the past? And why do we have to pay for what the past did? Why aren’t we enough to make her stop abusing herself with all those pills?”
Simone’s feelings flip flop from anger to hate to love to frustration and confusion. She struggles with the guilt and heartache she feels. She feels guilty for wishing her mom would just die if that is what she wants to do. It seems she’s just killing herself anyway.
My older self would say to Simone, “Stop feeling guilty for having true feelings. And stop trying to think you can fix someone… you can’t. You can be there for them, but the fixing has got to be something they have to do.”
Oh, and Simone, “Most importantly it’s going to be ok! There will come a day when it’s all ok! Yes, there will come a day.”
That’s why I do what I do. It’s for the Simone’s out there. It’s for you and me.
Even though I focus on my mom’s illness and the hardships it caused, she was the most amazing mother when she was capable. She passed away almost 4 years ago.
Just try to make as many good days for the both of you. You need something amazing to hold onto. No matter how pissed you are… tell her … tell him …you love them!
We’re capable of so many things when we let go of anger and guilt.
My mom had so much pent up inside her from her past that it ignited her illness. The wellness icon Deepak Chopra says, “emotional traumas are the beginning of disease. And it goes back to early childhood memories. Can it be corrected? Of Course.”
Let’s make 2021 a year of freeing ourselves from the negative things we hold onto… and to the stories we used to think defined us!
My WHY is also to build a community for all of us. So, we have a place to laugh, learn and vent together!
Please reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Think about joining the private Facebook Group I created. Just send me an email and I’ll send you the link. It’s also in the IG bio page on @ofcoursetheymakecrazy.
Happy New Year!
All rights reserved. 2021 Of Course … They Make Me Crazy!